I scratched this in pen on Tuesday because I had to get my feelings out. I've not had time to type it and I'm a little scared. Scared that the wrong idea will be construed from it. Scared my heart will not be understood. Scared my thoughts will not be accurately shared. Scared my words won't be received the way they are intended, in love and concern, with much passion. If you are here now, please stay with me to the end so you can capture the whole picture of what my heart has to say.
Here it is...my heart...open...raw...fragile for pain.
Why is my heart broken over this? Why is this constantly on my mind? Why am I so sad over this? Why is this such a heavy burden to me?
For the last month I have been praying. Praying for two I've never met. Praying for a man and woman I can't call friends. Praying for those across the country. I've been asking the Lord to not let it be so. Asking God to work a miracle for all to see. Asking the Almighty to do the mighty.
I've been watching as the world watches, gossips, and accuses. I've been watching for the Lord to do for another what I've asked Him to do for me. All signs right now say my requests have not been fulfilled yet.
Though my heart feared reality, it still clung to hope. Then my heart was crushed. I kept repeating in my head the words I read. "Initiated. Dissolve. Marriage. Ten Years." And their names in print (screen). There is something so reeling, so impacting to see it in print. I know each time I saw my name in print, it killed me all the more, bringing the reality home once again.
No, Lord, I cried. Please no Lord. At that point, my hope for this not to be true died. Yet, almost immediately a new hope came alive. This petition to dissolve something holy was just that. Only a petition. Petitions can be and are removed all the time. Just visit rejoiceministries.org. So this beautiful hope was renewed...a new hope and prayer. Lord, use this time to restore the union of one man and woman you bonded ten years ago. Lord, use this very public marriage to publicly display Your power to all. Lord, may You crush the enemy's efforts. He is the one who has lit the fire of dissolving this marriage, any marriage. We know that marriage is satan's number one target. So Lord, may You finish in a mighty way what satan started. Please Lord, turn his bad intention to forever destroy a family into a glorious reconciliation of a marriage that is stronger than ever imagined.
So, why is my heart still so deeply pained? Why on the evening of a terrible anniversary of mine did I lose it? Two years ago on June 22nd my life forever changed; my heart sent into shock. Yet, two years later, I "survive" this date. Until. Until 11:00 pm when crawling into bed, I began sobbing uncontrollably. As I lay there I felt like I'd never fall asleep. I got up to get some medicine to aid my sleeping yet I couldn't control my tears. I still can't explain the deep sobbing. I believe a combination of the significant date, hearing the devastating news of this public marriage, and all this happening the same day.
Why is this weighing so heavy on me? It has affected me as though it's happening to a close friend. It has affected me as though it happened to me, again! There are so many similarities with them and us except for the eight kids, the tv show, and the rumors/possibilities of affairs. I can see me in her (disrespectful words) and I can see my beloved in him (emotional effect of that).
Rumors are rumors. Tabloids are tabloids. Details are details. And, they all really don't matter. Pointing and blaming don't matter. Personally, I believe this marriage, like so many, succumbed to the breakdown of communication. Communication is key to any relationship, especially a marriage. It is vital. And a failed marriage because of bad communication seems so senseless. (I don't mean to imply bad communication alone simply causes a divorce but it begins the cycle of the hard feelings, lack of "feeling" love, lack of Ephesians 5, etc.)
Who am I to be an expert on what has happened in this public marriage? Am I just adding to this by bringing it up? I hope not. I don't believe so. Rather, this is an opportunity, I suspect, for God to use what I've endured to possibly share with others. I have become so sensitive to the issue of marriage and the "d" word. I do not judge or condemn anyone who has divorced. Rather, I seeing it as God sees it: to hate divorce and to honor marriage.
I hate divorce, says the Lord. Malachi 2:16
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4
Any failed marriage can be healed. I believe mine can be. I believe the G's can be. I believe yours can be.
I know many have blasted K for her disrespectful words and actions toward J. No, they weren't lovely. Yes, they were hurtful. Yet. Yet. As I hesitate to pen this, as satan probably doesn't want me to share this, but I pen this for His glory. As I said previously, I saw me in her and beloved in him. I had that same disrespectful tongue and that same "attitude" that caused such ugly words. Oh, the ugly words I regret. And then, I saw a change in K. A realization of the behavior brought to light. Just like in me. I also heard her desire to not travel this road. Just like me. I heard in J a desire and excitement of the seemingly free road ahead. Just like my beloved. I understand how these ugly words and actions can affect husbands and any man.
I know all too well exactly how she felt as it seemed she spoke straight from my heart: "I'm tired of smiling on the outside when I'm crying on the inside." Then she shared how she just can't remove her wedding ring. Of course, the media had to take notice that she still had it on. Just like society...to believe we must comply to what is socially acceptable. Husband leaves and files and we are to remove our rings. Well, sweet one, I too know how this feels. I wore my rings for five months all through the separation. I continued to wear them for two weeks after the law said we were no longer married. I still was not really ready but felt pressured by what others thought, saying I was in denial. My heart would probably still wear my rings two years later if it weren't for having to explain myself and feel looked down upon. I too understand the shock of lawyers being involved. I understand it all. I'm not an expert but boy how I believe K and I could relate.
Yet, none of these hurts of husband or wife are beyond the healing of God and His power. Words of no hatred existing, they said. Yet, does that really mean a lack of love? Love is a choice. Harsh words, and many things, can cause us to not "feel" love and that is understandable. One does not feel loved or feel like loving in such situations. However, if we resolve to do love, we will feel love. We do love in action and the feelings will follow.
A fork in the road was mentioned by this sweet couple. We hear it often--we've come to a fork in the road and have to decide. Yes, we do have to decide: to move forward on one of the paths in the fork or stand still at the fork not moving (which is not always bad). The great thing is, if we choose the wrong path at the fork, our Heavenly Father will lovingly guide us back. Not only will He guide us back, but He'll make use of our time on the "wrong" path--on the path we chose, most likely chosen for ease or less pain. Isn't that what our flesh wants most often, the path of least pain and most ease? But, is that path really the most beneficial even though easier and less painful? There is so much to be gained from choosing the hard road and seeing God be faithful to use it for our best, for something we cannot even imagine in our feeble human minds.
Please know this post is not about me jumping on the band wagon and piping in "along with everyone". Rather, it is my heart, breaking ever so deeply and genuinely. It is my passion for marriages and to see them saved. It is my deep belief in knowing the power of God to not only restore marriages but make them stronger and better than imagined. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. Ephesians 3:20
May I never be seen as a dog with a bone but a soul with a heart and a heart with a passion.
Three nights later and I still found myself tearing up at a clip on tv regarding this precious couple. There are so many couples who are hurting. If you are married and there is even the slightest sign of trouble, please seek help. If your spouse has divorced you and wants nothing to do with you, seek the Lord. I believe He will honor your plea to restore your marriage. Why? Because we are to honor marriage...that means of all people, God, will honor marriage. Will He not honor your plea and restore your marriage, in His time and His way?
Please call upon His mighty name and power to heal the hurting marriages and to resurrect the dead marriages. It's never too late with God. I regularly pray for many marriages along with my own. I even pray for marriages who don't ask for prayer and aren't wanting restoration. I guess one can say I pray and believe when others can't stretch far enough to reach for that hope and belief.
Listen to what our beloved Beth Moore says. "Feelings can be a little like our laundry. Sometimes we can't sort them until we dump them on the table." [pg. 53, A Heart Like His study] That may or may not relate fully to this post. However, reading it yesterday morning, I felt pressed to include it here.
Brokenhearted But Believing,
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The picture is an asiatic lilly from my new yard.
